New Arm Tattoo - A cover up

 This is the before and with it partially removed. I've had this tattoo for a long time, probably close to 20 years, and I actually wasn't happy with it right after it was done. The image that was used for inspiration was just prettier and the tattooist that had done it just didn't jive with it I don't think. And honestly, if anything, that is my fault. I should have waited for a different artist, but I was so excited to get work done (my husband at the time was ok with the expense and I know that partially played into how fast I wanted to get it done, I didn't want to waste the opportunity).

So about 5 years ago I started to get it removed, enough that another artist could cover it up. I've had a 1,001 ideas of what to put there. Ranging from mermaids to a Celtic woman warrior, Disney villians, I mean a whole range of options.

Then I was like, you know. I just want something bold and beautiful and vague enough I won't have to explain it if I am wearing a tank top.

So here it is, the end result and beginning of the session.

I will say it's absolutely beautiful. I made me realize that I don't look at my body enough and I knew my arms are big (weight gain/loss fun) but I felt the body dysmorphia hard the other day. And still do to be honest, like I know what my weight is and I know the direction I am moving in is a healthier and better one. It's just...painful. All of it.

My brain is still wrapping around how big it is, the tattoo and my arms, and I am healing way differently than I have in the past. I've never had bruising before! The shock of getting old!

I do think I want to add a bee to this. Maybe something else, depending. That just means I need to keep saving money in the meantime!

Wowza the time has flown by

 It's been a hot moment since I've written. I don't know if that's good, bad or not anything to be honest.

Hysterectomy is done and gone, been over a year now. SOOOO many things with that, ok not the surgery directly, that went perfectly smooth. The whole HRT and menopause stuff is a bit annoying to say the least. That will be another post I'm sure.

The baby Jessie had is now an adorable toddler. Wish I got to see him more.

Still miss my son, but I love that I talk to him so much and we are going to visit him next year. That will be a bloody awesome trip! We are going to Disneyland Paris while there and so we've been looking into the different restaurants and things to do while there. I am submitting my passport here shortly for that. Going to France and the UK will be very exciting! I've only been outside the country once, and that was via a cruise. 

Baking  - now there seems my forte. Cheesecake, lemon bars, cookies. I sent close to 400 cookies to Raven for his shop. I've made Bailey's Cheesecake, Strawberry Cheesecake, Lemon (with lemon curd) Cheesecake and Pumpkin Pie Cheesecake. Mini, full size - cupcake size. Lemon bars are still a big fan favorite. Raven said my cookies helped morale and that's honestly the best feeling ever.

I feel like there are a 1,000 things to write about and I keep getting stuck and not being able to put a word down. 

I am crocheting a lot more. Have several blankets done and working on more <3 I do love crocheting blankets and things for people. I am also hoping to have a few saved for Raven/Jessie/whoever in the future for when I can't crochet anymore.

Ok, good first post in a long time. I want to write more often again. 

It's a lot like busy - to the tune of holiday music

 Work has been increasingly busy! Life has been catching up too! Between my surgery coming up, Jessie having the baby and helping out on the weekends and work just becoming this pretty non-stop daily thing, I am exhausted.

Exhausted.

Oh and lets add in some of those fun perimenopause symptoms coming around, with sleep being more elusive and some of mood swings are back.

But! I just did have my last fucking period!! That is so amazingly awesome and I just can't stop grinning every time I think about it. I am excited for this surgery - don't get me wrong, I understand there is going to be bit of a long recovery in general and that life will instantly be turned upside down - BUT things should even out (I need to contact my GP about HRT probably now) and things/life will be better. It's not just preventative, it's also quality of life for the next 10 years. Keep your fingers crossed I don't lose my mind and change all kinds of life options in the wrong ways.

Also, the holidays are literally right around the corner. Thanksgiving is next week and then it's surgery and then Christmas/Yule. It's just a lot! And with all these surgeries and health things this year, I will need a 2nd job to pay off this debt sooner rather than later. That will be a fun thing to figure out once I am out of the healing stage.

I think I have 90% of my gift shopping done. It's hard to make some decisions on what to get things for someone you love/care about and not make it too silly or unnecessary.

Oh and I am going to keep working on losing weight. I'd like to lose another 30 lbs in the next 6 months. Not sure how realistic that is with my hormones going off the rails here shortly, but I have hope and persistence. I want to lose 5 lbs before surgery, plan on re-doing the liquid diet I did for my last one. The first 3 days were the worst but after that it was livable. 

My cat Diego, who is 16 going on 17, is on thyroid meds and his kidneys are just barely starting to show some signs of potential issues, per the $355 vet visit last week. 

I miss my son.

Holding a baby is both therapeutic and amazing.

I need to cut my hair, clear off my nail polish and clean the shower. These are things that are on my mind on a regular, if not daily basis, but have yet to do them in that last 30 days. I have no idea why I am delaying, but none of them will take long to get accomplished. 

I have one more thing to fill out for the surgery too, a listing of everything I am taking (which is a website site and if I could be smart and get it done at work that would be fine but I feel like I need to get it done at home where are my things are...it's weird. Why is it so weird?)

See, it's all a bit of a cluster. I am spinning and throwing darts and hitting some targets but not all of them. And a lot of them are important targets.

I need to start using my planner, it was so helpful before and I got away from it because the routine, was well established routine. But right now so many things are shifting again. 

Also, people put their heads on pillows...not their feet. It would be nice not to use a pillow as a foot rest, especially without socks, all over a pillow that someone might be sleeping on later. I mean, ew. Ew. Granted, if your foot is injured and it's being elevated, that's one thing. No, this is just pushing bare feet against a pillow that is on the floor for some reason. Why is it on the floor? Why the need to put naked feet on it? Are those feet clean? It's just...ew. How am I going to clean this pillow now?? It's a larger one so damn.

In other news, it got freaking cold outside!  Which is both nice and annoying, as I really do that utopia temperature of 70 degrees with a crisp breeze or light wind. Winter is just around the corner and it will hopefully being a safe one and nothing too dramatic.

And I have also confirmed that I can not eat a lot of sugar in one sitting. It makes me nauseous and my stomach was not happy. I got hot. I was literally working in the garage without a jacket or my vest (I love my vest) to cool off which thankfully helped. Oh another thing happened a couple weeks ago. I must have drank water too close to eating because my mouth was just filling, FILLING, with salvia. It was a bit wild. So definitely do not drink within 20-30 minutes of eating, especially a meal that makes you full. 

Ok, I think my brain has run away enough for the evening. I need to get to bed and sleep a happy deep sleep. 

What you're not changing, you're choosing

 I saw this quote today and it really hit me. It is making me think...about a lot of things

A little Disney Boo

I am so excited! We booked a mini vacation to Orlando for Halloween/Samhain weekend. That shit will be so much fun. We are going to Epcot for 1 day, during the food and wine festival. I am trying to figure out, since I don't eat a whole lot anymore, what foods I DO want to eat. They have all these little vendors dotted through the walk and so many interesting things to try! I know we gotta pace ourselves, and I feel like everything I want to really try is only in a couple sections. Maybe it's just a good excuse to walk the Showcase several times and just try to get it all in. I know there are some new rides there too, and with Jessie's baby being born at that point, knowing me - I'm going to want to shop for him too. So that day will definitely been full of walking.

We will spend a day in Downtown Disney, which honestly is always fun. I love going in the shops, eating at our favorite places and people watching. It is never boring or annoying. 

I love the fact we can get a direct flight, a quick uber and just be embraced in the mood so quickly.

I also bought the following, which will go up on the balcony 10/1, if not sooner.

   

The ghost is 5 feet and the colors can change :) The purple fairy lights, I only got 1 string (but it's 66 feet) but I think I can make it look good in that little space ! Neither item was expensive so if I need more lights I am down with that. I need to go through what fall/holiday stuff I brought back from storage and get that put up as well. And even though it gets windy, that ghost is going to look perfect.

Today's the first full day of fall, there is a chill and wind and I just want to breathe it all in and let it wake up my soul.

It seems I need some more coffee :D

Minor updates

 There is a lot I want to write about, but I'm not quite sure where to start!!

It was my love's birthday. So that is awesome ;)

My niece is due to have her baby in about 3 weeks. That's super exciting and I can't wait !!

Work - is work. Not sure what is interesting about it right now - just the normal frustrations and good stuff.

Medical - now this subject matter is more tedious than anything. 

WLS - Still losing, sorta. I'm in a stall (but honestly I'm stalled between 193 and 194, so that's an awesome place to stall at) and I will focus more next week and breaking the stall and getting losing again.

Medical Billing - good gods the medical billing can be frustrating. I literally paid my portion but for some reason 1 Dr's office is like - we see that payment amount but it says that I still owe so therefore you still owe. I'm not paying it twice fuckers. So I called my HSA card people and my Insurance people and hopefully all this new lovely documents will help them understand math better. Thankfully though, all my other ones have been good and nothing too outrageous.

Hysterectomy - this is coming up in December. I am excited to have this done. I am a wee bit stressed about the recovery. Mainly that it may take longer and I am trying to go back to work after 2 weeks. I took off 4 with my last surgery, and 2 surgeries in 1 year, it just seems like a lot. I am also trying to do more research into HRT because I am going to want the hormones. Instant menopause (is waaaay better than the typical 7-10 years of that shit) means that I'll want those hormones sooner rather than later. Peri sucked and I don't want that again and nor would I wish that on any woman.

I also think about the fact you should not have sex for 2-3 months, that recovery means months in general and I really hope it doesn't cause me to stall the whole time in my weight loss. It's a lot. But the long run is, with my genetics and whatnot, I will be healthier. And that is important. Focus on the goal!

So in a nut shell, life is good, nothing bad is going on and there are a lot of changes coming up. 

Happy Anniversary and thoughts in general

 It has been 9 years since me and my bf had our first date. It's wild just how much has happened, which of course is life in general but I don't think we always think about the future of things. 

Like how my son is an adult, in the military is old enough to drink! Holy Fuck!! I've bought and sold a house. Had 4 cats, now 2. Multiple vacations, drama/family situations, death of my Dad and brother. Covid. Just, I don't even know how to take everything in and just breath for a moment and then refocus on the rest of the future.

I'm very happy with not getting married again. Having a life partner is amazing enough. 

I have no idea what the future will be. So much is still, not quite in flux per se, but more of this whole "wait and see" stage. My niece is having a baby, his youngest is not focused on doing anything that requires a job/moving out of her moms house, the market for housing is stupid (as it is for cars!) and I think I want a different job in the next year or so. There are a lot of options and pathways and I feel like right now it's a holding pattern. 

And I have a hard time holding said pattern I think. Not horribly so, but I just want some kind of forward direction that isn't vague as shit. I mean, yes, I could give myself some hard points of direction...and I am starting to plan that out to a degree. But at the same time, I don't want to fuck something up just because I'm annoyed or impatient. 

I am still losing weight, now more slowly (which is fine by me). I have another surgery scheduled for December so I know there is that to consider. Holidays/birthdays/birth coming up. So I know that part of things is just letting them figure themselves out a little bit. I guess, I just feel this - tug - to DO SOMETHING. I just don't quite know what that something is. 

I love my boyfriend. I am happy with the majority of our relationship. I am looking forward to living life more fully. I just don't know what means in all it's glory.

Another Dr's Appt

 Today was the follow up from my breast appointment/MRI. Of course, my Dr has not received the results (the MRI was done at the end of June) so hopefully when she does get those, they are all normal.

She said because of my Chek2 mutation, I'm at a higher risk for breast cancer and that is why I wanted to check and see if HRT would be ok after my hysterectomy. And she would prefer I didn't, because by getting the hysterectomy, I would be cutting my breast cancer risks in half. But if I take the hormones, it would be the same as if I kept my ovaries. Ummm, no I will take the hormones because wow the perimenopause I experienced before the WLS, was not a happy thing at all. Fuck that. 

It's still a win for me, because though my chances don't go down, at least I will remove one potential cancer issue in my ovaries and I would not be experiencing peri/menopause for a decade of my life. Because seriously, that is some kind of crazy bullshit.

Last week...

 You know, some days and some weeks are just better than others. This week has been very, eh - very unmotivated. Which is life, some time is just like that.

My weight has dropped, slight regain and honestly, I am in Onederland, so I am ok as I keep losing in general. I don't need to race.

I met with a different Dr at my 3 month follow up, as mine was out. I did not like this Dr nearly as much, he was too much - in your space - and I just don't need that. But he had some valid information and even if I don't personally like him, information is at least unbiased. Overall, I've lost 51 lbs since my first appointment and 12.8 since my last appointment. Not bad. 20 lbs more to go to hit goal and then, then life will get harder probably because I want to lose another 25ish after that. So if I can keep this mostly steady, in the next 3 months I should be able to lose the 20 lbs and then the following 6 months the remaining 25ish. Goals!